5 Disney Movies You Didn’t Realize Were Secretly Horrifying
By Darrin Jones / December 31

We all love Disney movies right? What kid doesn’t imagine themselves as a classic Disney hero or heroine? And the characters are such great role-models that live happily ever after. OR DO THEY? 

1. Pinocchio 

We’re all familiar with the story of Pinocchio: poor wood carver, Geppetto, makes a boy- puppet, Pinocchio, because he wishes he had a real son. Fortunately, a magical fairy hears Geppetto’s wish and materializes in Geppetto’s home to bring Pinocchio to life because that’s what magical fairies do, they break into people’s homes and bring inanimate objects to life.

“Now that that’s done, time to bring the toilet to life for funnzies.”

Through the course of the film Pinocchio learns some valuable life lessons, gets into whacky shenanigans, and is eventually reunited with Geppetto. And in the end he even turns into a real-live boy.

Look at those pinchable cheeks!

What a heartwarming story...except Pinocchio is in the body of a 12 year-old boy, even though he’s officially only been alive for three months at the most. Think about it. He’s 12 years behind all of his peers. He doesn’t even know how to feed himself because this is the first time he’s had an actual stomach.

“”What do you mean I have to learn how to poop? In the talking toilet?!”

Oh but Geppetto can teach him all he needs to know right? Wrong! Geppetto is clearly in his 80’s, at least. The story takes place in Italy around the 17th century--not really a time-period known for its healthcare or great treatment of the elderly.

Good luck carving a puppet into Medicare.

With Geppetto on his way out, it’s going to leave Pinocchio to grow up without any parental supervision with the comprehension of someone a decade behind everyone else. And don’t forget that Pinocchio is notorious for making poor choices and being led around the nose by anyone with time on their hands.

First off, he listens to a mysterious talking cricket who is promoted to the position of “talking puppet’s conscience” even though we’re never really told why Jiminey Cricket is so qualified. But Jiminey’s not the only one on the list of characters that Pinocchio follows unquestioningly. The list is as follows: an evil puppeteer, a talking man-fox and his droopy looking sidekick, bratty redheaded trouble child, a donkey selling coachmen, and, of course, the wish granting supernatural fairy-woman that caused the whole mess. Honestly, at this point it wouldn’t be too hard to convince the poor boy to eat dirt.

“Oh yeah, and glass makes the best kind of toilet paper.”

It is only a matter of time before Pinocchio is known as the village idiot and the town drunk. Why the town drunk? Well he’s already had a bit of drinking frenzy on his hands at Pleasure Island and it’s clear that he hasn’t developed self-control of any kind. It isn’t hard to imagine Pinocchio’s future now that he’s been turned human.

Poor, poor Pinocchio, the talking toilet will miss him. 

Jump to: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5

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