The Five Stages of Watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
By Darrin / May 8

I’m sure most of us are familiar with the classic John Hughes film, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. An American teen wants to skip a day of school and goes through a very elaborate scheme to make sure he’s never caught skipping. He ropes his friends into his activities and runs amok in downtown Chicago. At the time, it was witty, it was different, and it was one of the top grossing films of 1986. But little do people realize, the more you watch the movie the more you slip into the five stages of watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Beware! You may already be suffering from one of these debilitating stages and not even know it. Luckily I’m here to help you navigate your problems and the first step is always to admit you have a problem. These simple steps will help you find out what stage you are in.

Stage 1: Ferris Bueller is hilarious!
Yes this plucky young man is a laugh riot. What high school student hasn’t thought about ways to get out of going to classes, avoiding that boring lecture from your history professor and skipping out on that big math test you didn’t bother studying for. Ferris just wants to have a carefree day and tell the audience his juvenile philosophies on life in hysterical fourth wall breaking moments. This is just a great movie I look forward to watching.

Stage 2: Ferris Bueller is so lucky.
Wow, Ferris Bueller is actually kind of fortunate. His parents are really caring and obviously he’s popular with the kids at his school. And have you seen all the cool stuff he has? Sure he’s computer is dated now but it was new enough then that he could hack into the school’s records system and change his records. It’s funny, he doesn’t look like he’s spent hours sweating over technical manuals and chewing through security codes to be such an effective hacker. Maybe he’s just super smart; that would be incredibly lucky actually. And he doesn’t get caught through the whole thing. When I was his age, I couldn’t even mutter a swear under my breath without getting caught by my parents.

Stage 3: Ferris Bueller is just a jerk. 
Okay, come on, there’s a difference between skipping school once to relax at home all day and drawing your friends out to support your day off. I mean he pokes his friend, Cameron, into doing what Ferries wants him to do. And then Ferris drags his girlfriend into it too by telling the school her grandmother’s dead. Whoa dude! Now what’s going to happen if her grandmother does die!? Sure you’ve got your excuses all planned out but she’s going to have to explain her absence to her family later while dealing with the death of her grandmother, you jerk! And I’m not sure she even had any say in this plan. I mean for all we see, Ferris just did the whole scheme on the fly without her foreknowledge or any choice in whether she gets out of school early or not. What a presumptuous asshole.

Stage 4: Ferris Bueller’s a psychopath!  
Holy shit! Did Ferris just command Cameron to steal Cameron’s father’s car?! What for! They drive it to the city then just leave it in parking garage. Cameron has his own car, why didn’t they just take that! Ferris is continually tricking and lying to people. Oh and did anyone notice how he, you know, hijacked a parade? Seriously, he just stormed a float and started singing ‘Danke Schoen’. Was someone else suppose to be singing that instead? Where did you hide the body Ferris! Oh and when they’ve had their fun and finally drive home, the group finds that the speedometer of the car is way off from when they dropped it off meaning that Cameron is going to be in huge trouble. Cameron reacts to this by shouting his head off before shutting down emotionally. Of course, Ferris being the good friend he is, makes out with his girlfriend in the hot-tub and taunts Cameron while perching the poor boy on the edge of a diving board.

Soon enough, Cameron loses his wits completely and kicks his father’s prized car off the ledge of his garage, trashing it completely. But don’t worry, Ferris is willing to take responsibility for it. Sure Ferris, I totally believe that. Good thing Cameron volunteers to take all the blame or Ferris might’ve had to pull the old point and say “Hey, look over there!” procedure. Don’t forget while all this is going on, the kids at school are under the impression that Ferris Bueller is deathly ill, partly because Ferris tells them that, and they have even started sending him donations. Ferris Beuller is evil, folks. He is a malicious force that must be stopped! 

Stage 5: Oh look, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is on. 
Cool, I haven’t seen this in forever. Oh, here comes the part where he sticks his hair up as a pointy mohawk in the shower!

Classic Ferris.

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